The Infuriating Ethical Dilemma of Untying Your Shoes

And other meaningless worries

Throughout most of my life I have been plagued by an unending stream of busyness. In high school this came in the form of politics. In CEGEP, it was clubs, part-time army work, and classes. In university, academics, searching for coops and the fraternity. For the past 7 (arguably 9) years I have been swamped. Overwhelmed by tidbits of mediocre work that have been flung from all directions. After graduating I planned on taking things easier. I’d move to Montreal and find some much-deserved relaxation. I could work on my dancing. Lose some weight. Shed my wardrobe. Do soul-searching without any noise. While I have made progress, the lack of static has bestowed upon me existential dread. I found myself worried, stuck at a standstill.

This isn’t to say I don’t have much to be grateful for. I have a job with excellent benefits. I am healthier and happier. Yet I lack intensity. I miss a raw weight to struggle against. My workload goes through fluctuations. Sometimes I am stuck and have little to do. Additionally, the work is less technical in nature. With not as much my plate and my coding skills withering, I feel inadequate. I worry that future prospects are fading away. My first post-graduate years, defining moments of a career, are not what they could be. I search for small ways to fill my schedule. Meal prep, cleanliness. Workouts and salsa practice. Conversations with strangers and walks in the park. Then I come home and kick off my shoes. I look down and wonder. Is it worth untying them?

Is it worth cleaning up every small mess made? Should I be on my hands and knees, scrubbing every inch of my mostly clean apartment? At what point does housework become a distraction from finding your meaning in life. At what point does washing the dishes or taking out the trash work to keep you away from hard questions. Am I doing anything valuable? Is this life of ease self-destructive and lazy? How can I enjoy existence, instead of following a series of assigned checkboxes? Arbitrary in nature, mostly created to impress others.

I’ve seen people I know fall into this trap. They choose a life of austerity, absent of needless pleasure or intense suffering. They keep themselves busy with things that lack substance, but feel productive. This has always been a struggle of mine. The urge to feel occupied, always at an arm’s length.

In times like this, I sit down and wonder. What do I truly love? What do I work so hard for? How do I find these moments I’ve been working so hard to enjoy?

There are worse problems to have. The downside to getting what you want in life is stewing in this inadequacy. Being stuck at a standstill and reflecting on why you should move forward. What hidden psychological problems have pushed you so far. For now I think I will leave my shoelaces untied. I will allow momentary moments of respite, filled by books and social media. But I wonder if the next time I find myself staring at my shoes, I will come to a more enlightened answer. I will understand whether or not to leave my laces untied.